Nonfiction

Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

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  • Create Date：2021-08-02 22:21:08
  • Update Date：2025-09-06
  • Status：finish
  • Author：Lori Gottlieb
  • ISBN：B091V57J16
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Summary

You have a fulfilling job， a great group of friends， the perfect apartment， and no shortage of dates。 So what if you haven't found The One just yet。 Surely he'll come along， right？

But what if he doesn't？ Or even worse， what if he already has， but you just didn't realize it？

Suddenly finding herself 40 and single， Lori Gottlieb said the unthinkable in her March 2008 article in The Atlantic: Maybe she， and single women everywhere， needed to stop chasing the elusive Prince Charming and instead go for Mr。 Good Enough。

Looking at her friends' happy marriages to good-enough guys who happen to be excellent husbands and fathers， Gottlieb declared it time to reevaluate what we really need in a partner。 Her ideas created a firestorm of controversy from outlets like the Today show to The Washington Post， which wrote， "Given the perennial shortage of perfect men， Gottlieb's probably got a point"， to Newsweek and NPR， which declared， "Lori Gottlieb didn't want to take her mother's advice to be less picky， but now that she's turned 40， she wonders if her mother is right。" Women all over the world were talking。 But while many people agreed that they should have more realistic expectations， what did that actually mean out in the real world， where Gottlieb and women like her were inexorably drawn to their "type"？

That's where Marry Him comes in。

By looking at everything from culture to biology， in Marry Him， Gottlieb frankly explores the dilemma that so many women today seem to face - how to reconcile the strong desire for a husband and family with a list of must-haves so long and complicated that many great guys get rejected out of the gate。 Here Gottlieb shares her own journey in the quest for romantic fulfillment， and in the process gets wise guidance and surprising insights from marital researchers， matchmakers， dating coaches， behavioral economists， neuropsychologists， sociologists， couples therapists， divorce lawyers， and clergy - as well as single and married men and women， ranging in age from their 20s to their 60s。

Marry Him is an eye-opening， often funny， sometimes painful， and always truthful in-depth examination of the modern dating landscape， and ultimately， a provocative wake-up call about getting real about Mr。 Right。

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Reviews

Hannah ，

I don't even know what to think。 A wake up call！ Micah， where are you？ :） I don't even know what to think。 A wake up call！ Micah， where are you？ :） 。。。more

Maranda ，

This book was written 10 years ago， and boy， does it show its age。 I did take some useful things from this book， but it felt way too drawn out and repetitive。 I love Gottlieb’s other book， Maybe You Should Talk to Someone， but I’m sad to say that this book lacked the same magic。

Kendall Brown ，

Mixed feelings about this one。 I do think it’s important to focus on what makes someone a good long term partner instead of solely looking for a “spark。” She is so absurdly picky it made me slightly dislike her and I really liked “maybe you should talk to someone。” I liked her Ted talk about changing your story。 Ultimately instead of focusing on people’s flaws you should focus on their positive attributes - this is something I struggle with。

Colette Brown ，

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 Great stories - even if you’re not dealing with this topic currently， it’s a fantastic anthropological overview of marriage， relationships， cis straight people， etc。

Jenna Citrus ，

It made me commit！ After being with my partner for nearly 6 years and not knowing if he was “the one” I now know he’s “my one”。 :） I’ve never been so happy to reframe how I thought about myself in a negative light。 Most women， myself included， like to think we are the best possible person to be dated but when we step back and think about some of the negatives of ourselves that our partner would have to put up with it brings a whole new light to the situation。

Mel ，

This book was gross。 I only made it through about 3 chapters， and when she started victim blaming a woman for being mocked as “fat” and “single” is when I put it down。 I loved Gottlieb’s book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” so I picked this one up with curiosity but it was SO bad。 In only 3 chapters she 1。 managed to make fun of “girls today” who she caricatured as all caring only about men’s hair line （what？？） while 2。 uplifting men as the perfect and entirely reasonable gender 3。 Misunderst This book was gross。 I only made it through about 3 chapters， and when she started victim blaming a woman for being mocked as “fat” and “single” is when I put it down。 I loved Gottlieb’s book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” so I picked this one up with curiosity but it was SO bad。 In only 3 chapters she 1。 managed to make fun of “girls today” who she caricatured as all caring only about men’s hair line （what？？） while 2。 uplifting men as the perfect and entirely reasonable gender 3。 Misunderstand how sexism works entirely and 4。 Completely misrepresent major issues women face today， such as sexual assault。 Instead of throwing the book against a wall， I went and read some reviews to see if I was missing anything and should give it another chance。 Apparently not。 。。。more

Ezgi ☕️ ，

#marryhim really rubbed me the wrong way。 Because I thought this book way about “not settling for good enough”… I couldn’t be more wrong。 It was literally what it says in the title “settle for mr。 good enough” Then this book goes into a depressive look into the single women’s future。 You pretty much lose all your appeal by the time you pass 35。 Men of all ages only will settle for 35 and below- because they want kids。 For men that are decent who don’t want kids- you are still not desirable- beca #marryhim really rubbed me the wrong way。 Because I thought this book way about “not settling for good enough”… I couldn’t be more wrong。 It was literally what it says in the title “settle for mr。 good enough” Then this book goes into a depressive look into the single women’s future。 You pretty much lose all your appeal by the time you pass 35。 Men of all ages only will settle for 35 and below- because they want kids。 For men that are decent who don’t want kids- you are still not desirable- because you might have kids。 And they are not into that。 They will go with younger version of you。 Why not？ Even #monicabellucci is replaced with a woman half her age。 So- what to do my female friends- settle！ Settle for the balding， the boring。。 the one you have absolutely no chemistry。 If first date is crap， try the same guy over and over again。 Because you are old and undesirable。 You don’t have the advantages of being a man。 And while you are at it， why don’t you question your divorce？ If you are not in love， you don’t share much， don’t expect the same things- these are not acceptable reasons for getting a divorce。 Unless it is a hostile relationship， don’t get divorced。 Because your husband will marry someone much younger and you will be in a one bedroom apartment with Netflix subscription （taken directly from the book）。 I am all for: don’t judge people for appearances only。 Don’t be superficial。 Don’t be high maintenance。 But this book is ridiculously depressing and unfair。 You might say life is unfair- but I dont believe that。 Most of the single women over 40 all around me are married again and their ex- husbands are the ones struggling sometimes。 So please， love yourself， trust your feelings and don’t settle for “good enough” regardless of your gender or age。 。。。more

Brooke Sylvia ，

Read this after ‘Maybe You Should Talk To Someone’ which I LOVED and was quite disappointed

Isabella ，

I read this book because I loved Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist， Her Therapist， and Our Lives Revealed by the same author。 This book was written much earlier， before Gottlieb was even in the clinical mental health field， and was working as a journalist。 In "Marry Him，" Gottlieb， a single mother at age 41， seeks to examine her own dating practices and expectations while also presenting social and psychological research about the topic。 I liked this book because it does present a lo I read this book because I loved Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist， Her Therapist， and Our Lives Revealed by the same author。 This book was written much earlier， before Gottlieb was even in the clinical mental health field， and was working as a journalist。 In "Marry Him，" Gottlieb， a single mother at age 41， seeks to examine her own dating practices and expectations while also presenting social and psychological research about the topic。 I liked this book because it does present a lot of research and I found myself jotting down other books and researchers mentioned that I wanted to look into。 It is clear that Gottlieb is a very effective and dedicated journalist and writer。 There are examinations of how decisions are made， how different emotional versus logistical factors are prioritized， and even some touches into how past traumas can inform present thought patterns。 I also liked that there is interaction throughout the book: instead of this serving as Gottlieb's dating manifesto， she actually does the "work" of engaging with matchmakers， dating coaches， speed dating， and online dating。 Then， she uses her personal experiences to more meaningfully engage with her research。 Ultimately， I found myself bringing up this book a lot in conversations with friends。 Even though it started off as a slow and painful read for me， towards the end I found myself really mentally engaging with some of the ideas that Gottlieb presents: that what we might initially consider important in attraction will eventually fade over time， giving way to more important personality traits; that marriage is as much a social and financial partnership as it is a romantic engagement; and that being obsessively attracted to someone might be more of a red flag than it seems。Now， the reasons I didn't like it。 Gottlieb is often mean throughout the book！ Of course， her no-bars-held honesty contributes to the examination of dating culture because she is the one going through the process。 In this sense， she is both the reporter and the subject。 While I respect Gottlieb for how she reports on her own thoughts and feelings， I often find her thoughts and feelings incredibly troublesome and rude。 At a speed dating event， Gottlieb describes a man she meets as a "grandpa （thinning gray hair， turkey chin）" and reveals some contempt for him being in a career transition。 She ends up ticking "no" for every person that she met that night。 I know that， on some level， she is attempting to use her own self as an example of how picky and cruel people can be when sizing someone up for the first time in a romantic context， but I did still find it off-putting。 Gottlieb's negativity carried into her critiques of young， single women as well and at times I found her presentation of ideas somewhat misogynistic。 For example， she says that a lot of women get married and realize "they weren't as progressive as they once believed themselves to be， and were glad that they weren't expected to bring in half of the family income。" She included a quote from a friend where he says， "men know that we can't count on women to provide the lion's share of the income" and that women "think they're so empowered or whatever but they just seem standoffish。 And I don't think they're that happy。" Gottlieb also says that she doesn't think she or anyone would want their marriage to look like the platonic relationships she has with girlfriends because of the "emotional requirements and quirks and mood swings。" Gottlieb also creates imaginary responses in the book。 For example， she imagines that a group of girls who might be discussing a friend's breakup with the following: "'What a jerk，' they probably said， as their friends nodded and sipped their wine and yet another all-girl bar night where they searched for eligible men。" There is also a drawn out comparison between not getting married and drunk driving， which just seems silly。 Opinions like this rubbed me the wrong way throughout the book， but especially in the first half。 Overall， I thought this was an interesting read and I admire Gottlieb for her in-depth research and commitment to her ideas。 Her ability to present controversial perspectives definitely makes this a great conversation-starting book。 However， any potential readers should keep in mind that there are some "outdated" feeling opinions here and that the book is very much targeting readers who ALREADY KNOW that their life would be incomplete without getting married。 This isn't a case for marriage as much a case for changing who you might be looking to marry。 。。。more

claudia ，

3。5 stars。 Some good insights but unless you're a spiritual warrior who is already highly aware of your existing fears in dating， I recommend taking this in piecemeal！ 3。5 stars。 Some good insights but unless you're a spiritual warrior who is already highly aware of your existing fears in dating， I recommend taking this in piecemeal！ 。。。more

Megan Mueller ，

Shockingly， I really like this book！ It's such a fresh to the point book。。。 such a nice perspective on why we're looking for Prince Charming when he doesn't exist。 Shockingly， I really like this book！ It's such a fresh to the point book。。。 such a nice perspective on why we're looking for Prince Charming when he doesn't exist。 。。。more

Tiffany ，

Entertaining but repetitive！

Karenth ，

Ooooooooohhhhhwwwwweeeee what a BUMMER！

Mariyam ，

Could only read half- very repetitive 2021

Mary ，

HOLY Reality check！ But really， this book helps to point out the incongruity between what we need/really want versus what we want/think we want to allows us to see that our idealistic vision of perfection may not be what is actually best for a long term relationship。

Olena Gavryshchuk ，

Обкладинка просто жесть， взагалі не відповідає змісту книги。 Взагалі досить цікаво написано。 Подобається підхід Готліб）

Evelyn Lastname ，

I really liked this book because it showed marriage and love from a new and different perspective that I haven't really thought about before， because it isn't really shown that much through the media，Granted I'm only 20 rn， it really was an eye-opener for me。 I really liked this book because it showed marriage and love from a new and different perspective that I haven't really thought about before， because it isn't really shown that much through the media，Granted I'm only 20 rn， it really was an eye-opener for me。 。。。more

my_notes ，

I am hovering between 3 and 4 stars， but decide to give it 4 stars eventually - more so because I am grateful in how my dating approach has changed ever since （yes I can attest to it， I first read this book a year ago， I reread this book again recently via the audio version as I do my occasional long walks）。 I remember finishing the book the first time wasn't easy。 As an opinionated career-oriented lady in her late 20's， this book challenged （and still does， old habits die hard） my worldview on I am hovering between 3 and 4 stars， but decide to give it 4 stars eventually - more so because I am grateful in how my dating approach has changed ever since （yes I can attest to it， I first read this book a year ago， I reread this book again recently via the audio version as I do my occasional long walks）。 I remember finishing the book the first time wasn't easy。 As an opinionated career-oriented lady in her late 20's， this book challenged （and still does， old habits die hard） my worldview on dating pretty much 80% of it。 Going through the second time around is easier but it still ain't a walk in the park。First， the title of this book is controversial， and getting started with the first few chapters certainly evoke a lot of defensiveness within myself。 I can't imagine how the conversation would turn out if Gottlieb is presenting her arguments at a dinner table。 Not to say there will be flying saucers， but I probably may tune out many well intentioned advices and deem Gottlieb "the lady with an outdated traditional dating views" and "don't get me started on how there are many unhappy relationships / marriages"。 Second， I certainly didn't appreciate how Gottlieb's neurotism and perfectionism （traits I share too） come across in certain chapters， especially when she wants to make a point。 At this juncture of the conversation， it doesn't matter how good the points are， she already lose to my biasness。 Yes， I already lay it upfront that I am opinionated （read: stubborn）。 Third， this book can also be rather limited to Gottlieb's experiences and social circle。 It is part memoir after all。When I get pass the controversial elements and my own defensiveness though， I acknowledge this book for what Gottlieb intends it to be - （1） how to set the right expectation， （2） how to have a more realistic awareness of your own needs and （3） what kind of partner would suit you more， depending on those needs。 It puts a lot of things in perspectives when I recognize that there are conflicting traits I want in a relationship， and in a partner - so I should be clear on which I prioritize more; that what I want may change as I journey through the different phases of life; that I need to be more align with the context I am in; that perfect is the enemy of good。 Of course， the prerequisite to apply this advice though， is if you are looking for a suitable partner to run the household and build a family together with。 There is no rule to say this is the only right and happy way of life。Now though， we are only talking about the view with regards to this book and the merits of insights it intends to provide to picky ladies who want fantasy Prince Charming （can swap the gender around - I am sure there are picky guys too）。 While it is written a decade ago， I think many of the advices are still applicable， and thus， good enough。 。。。more

Kerry ，

I’m not sure what I thought this book would be—somehow a refreshing view of compromise in marriage？ But it was anti-feminist， internalized misogyny at its worst。 I tried to find any glimmer of intelligence or nuance but after 40% read， returned it to the library。 TLDR: don’t waste your time on this outdated trash。

David ，

I think I read this when it came out in 2010， but don't seem to have reviewed on here。 Then again， I might have just read the magazine article that spawned it -- I remember that got a lot of attention。 And realistically an article would be enough -- you can almost get her point entirely from the title alone。It's doubtless true that some heterosexual women share the author's sense that she blew it by being too particular in her 20's and early 30's， declining to marry perfectly decent and compatib I think I read this when it came out in 2010， but don't seem to have reviewed on here。 Then again， I might have just read the magazine article that spawned it -- I remember that got a lot of attention。 And realistically an article would be enough -- you can almost get her point entirely from the title alone。It's doubtless true that some heterosexual women share the author's sense that she blew it by being too particular in her 20's and early 30's， declining to marry perfectly decent and compatible men because （a） their heads were turned by attractive exciting cads and/or （b） they mistakenly believed they could find someone to fulfill ALL of their overlong checklists of desired traits， only to find out in their late 30's/40's that the pickings had become slim。 This is not a fresh idea （I can hear the strains of Pam Tillis in my mind's ear -- "back then there were so many， but now there just aren't any。 Seems like all the good ones are gone。。。。。"）， and I can imagine the book's one-sided focus on women's mistakes in mate selection being very grating on female readers。 The focus on the author and her friends as providers of anecdotal evidence could also get old for social scientist readers。That said， she keeps it moving， and if you like reading Date Lab in the Washington Post you'll probably enjoy at least skimming this for the stories of couples。 Some interesting interviews with people like Barry Schwartz （the choice guy from Swarthmore）。 With Katie's season on the Bachelorette starting soon， that's of course on my mind -- in a way， a book like this may make more sense for someone like her about to be confronted with several dozen choices simultaneously -- don't just go for height and looks and cocktail party charisma， Katie; make sure you're on the same page about money， kids， life plans， and basic values！back in regular life encountering typically one person at a time， I think it's a bit trickier to figure out when you're being "too picky" in hesitating about someone， vs。 perhaps on the other end being too quick to say yes to the wrong person [a possibility not considered much in this book]。 。。。more

Didara ，

Gave this one a read because I really like Lori Gottlieb as an author。 Title might be questionable and some of the things discussed are a bit dated but honestly I think I needed to read this book cause it was basically calling me out the whole time。 You didn't have to attack me like that Lori Gottlieb！ Useful read nonetheless Gave this one a read because I really like Lori Gottlieb as an author。 Title might be questionable and some of the things discussed are a bit dated but honestly I think I needed to read this book cause it was basically calling me out the whole time。 You didn't have to attack me like that Lori Gottlieb！ Useful read nonetheless 。。。more

Amberly Geoghegan ，

I read A LOT of books on relationships and this one was about the most irritating and "out-there" as I have come across。 Summed up in one sentence: "If you are over 30 and you meet a nice man who is single， you better RUN to him and marry him - even if you aren't attracted to him or feel any connection - because if you do not， you will be ALONE FOREVER because it's better to be in an OK relationship than not in a relationship at all。" Wow。 Really， I understand that women shouldn't be so judgment I read A LOT of books on relationships and this one was about the most irritating and "out-there" as I have come across。 Summed up in one sentence: "If you are over 30 and you meet a nice man who is single， you better RUN to him and marry him - even if you aren't attracted to him or feel any connection - because if you do not， you will be ALONE FOREVER because it's better to be in an OK relationship than not in a relationship at all。" Wow。 Really， I understand that women shouldn't be so judgmental when dating， because perfection isn't real， but this book did not speak to me at all。 I lost interest about 3/4 of the way through and stopped reading。 This is not the way。 。。。more

Sam ，

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 I really enjoy the author's writing style as her books as so easy to read！ I really enjoy the author's writing style as her books as so easy to read！ 。。。more

Sarah Beth ，

I loved this book。 While not particularly encouraging， it is motivating in that it gives women who are not married but want to be some much-needed （at least in my case） perspective on what really matters in finding a life-long partner。 I would highly recommend it to women of all ages who are interested in a traditional family structure。

Lena Yen ，

settling/comprimising aren't dirty wordssometimes what we think we want in a partner are completely delusional fantastiesit's time to shed that concocted fantasy and understand that people are imperfect， you find what's good enough for you and roll the dice settling/comprimising aren't dirty wordssometimes what we think we want in a partner are completely delusional fantastiesit's time to shed that concocted fantasy and understand that people are imperfect， you find what's good enough for you and roll the dice 。。。more

Heather Neds ，

There was a lot of good research in this book woven into stories of real people's experiences。 It didn't really 'hook' me， though if I wasn't married to a great guy for 28 years and still in love I might have thought differently。 There was a lot of good research in this book woven into stories of real people's experiences。 It didn't really 'hook' me， though if I wasn't married to a great guy for 28 years and still in love I might have thought differently。 。。。more

Nancy ，

While the book has great advice， it is very repetitive。 Book had enough material for an article in a magazine。

N Islam ，

Really good book。 Required reading for anyone in their 20s and 30s。

Karrah Phillips ，

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers。 To view it， click here。 I read this one as a bookclub entry with my sister！ It's both hilarious and practical。 I found myself highlighting the names of behavioral economists and studies that elucidate how much the human brain can work against our own self interest。 A few takeaways:+ we must update our own mental models of who we are and be realistic about it！ people in relationships with us make compromises all the time， and there is value in acknowledging that + the things that make for a fun date may not make for a d I read this one as a bookclub entry with my sister！ It's both hilarious and practical。 I found myself highlighting the names of behavioral economists and studies that elucidate how much the human brain can work against our own self interest。 A few takeaways:+ we must update our own mental models of who we are and be realistic about it！ people in relationships with us make compromises all the time， and there is value in acknowledging that + the things that make for a fun date may not make for a dependable long term partner and co-parent+ women are pickier than we've ever been before。 get serious about what you NEED and what would be nice to have。 My 3 things needed: communication， compromise， commitment + communication: a partner who wants to get better at communicating。 when I have strong communication with another person， I feel understood and like I understand my partner。 It's nice if we have the same sense of humor and want to communicate with the same frequency， but it's most important that our communication leads to relatively efficient understanding。+ compromise: a partner who is willing to compromise and also expects me to compromise！ I want someone who is willing to share their own interests and aspirations， as well as fears and boundaries。 We will almost certainly find places where we don't overlap in needs， but both still have needs。 Someone who can deftly compromise to find a path forward is a big green light for me！ + commitment: someone who is looking for the long term。 I'm 30 now， and dating has a place。 I like meeting new people and learning things about myself， but I'm curious to have a long term partner and want someone who is looking for the same。 And someone who knows we are going to have peaks and troughs， and who is committed to working together through both。 。。。more

mildrey ，

I read this because I loved “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone，” but I just couldn’t relate to the author and target audience this time around。 I don’t know many adult women （or men） to be so dismissive or to have such unrealistic expectations。 I believe most people in their 30s understand that relationships take work， that even the ideal partner will have flaws， and can see beyond trivial annoyances to appreciate and love more important qualities。I also thought the book was repetitive， albeit en I read this because I loved “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone，” but I just couldn’t relate to the author and target audience this time around。 I don’t know many adult women （or men） to be so dismissive or to have such unrealistic expectations。 I believe most people in their 30s understand that relationships take work， that even the ideal partner will have flaws， and can see beyond trivial annoyances to appreciate and love more important qualities。I also thought the book was repetitive， albeit entertaining。 The experts， matchmakers， dating coaches， and married friends all gave the same advice: prioritize core values and life goals over superficial traits。 。。。more

Reference

google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft

The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0